


Tantalus

by garrideb



Category: Avengers (Comic), Marvel, Marvel 616
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-07
Updated: 2011-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 08:04:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/235920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garrideb/pseuds/garrideb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony chooses his punishment for Steve's death.  Written: 9/2008</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tantalus

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to my LJ [here](http://garrideb.livejournal.com/3693.html).

As far as Greek myths went, the story of Tantalus – the king who was punished with overwhelming thirst and water just out of reach - was never compelling to Tony. He can’t empathize with it. Tony has never accepted that anything is out of his reach. As arrogant as that sounds, it’s the reason he’s still alive today.

He could have assumed survival and freedom were out of reach all those years ago, when shrapnel inched closer to his heart, but instead he built his first iron suit. Again and again he’s faced what has seemed the end of his livelihood, but he's always found the tools he needed and reached for unlikely solutions.

It’s not too surprising that he gets what he reaches for, considering he’s made an art out of improving and upgrading his limbs. Out-of-reach is a torment for the weary arms of old kings, not for the gleaming red armor of Tony Stark.

If anything, Tony’s torment lies in teaching himself not to reach.

It goes against his nature; if he wants to fly higher, he plans, he builds, he flies. Telling himself it might be better to stay on the ground isn’t part of the process. It’s a long lesson, a tedious lesson, and it seems to have no finish line.

He taught himself not to reach for alcohol, although he knows it will only take one too-stressed moment to make him forget the lesson and end up blissfully and disgustingly impaired. He’s constantly teaching himself to pull back from Extremis. There are privacy issues he teaches himself to recognize, and a feeling of disconnect that he teaches himself to fear. He doesn’t reach for everything Extremis offers anymore.

He could probably teach himself not to reach for Steve. He could grieve for his friend and then lay him to rest in his mind. Instead, Tony lets himself thirst constantly for the man who he let die. When he wakes up, when he goes to bed, and in the few spare moments during his day, he remembers everything. When memories blur he uses Extremis to access pictures and videos of Steve. Captain America’s ghost is the most vibrant thing in his life.

It’s what Cap deserves. It’s what Tony deserves. It’s better than Tony deserves, actually, because in the back of his mind, lessening the pain of a futile desire, is the secret belief that Steve can’t stay gone.

Tony always gets what he reaches for. Tony will never let himself stop reaching for Steve.


End file.
